Am I an Empty Nester if my kids still live with me?

I get this question a lot. What if my kids have moved back in or never moved out? What if I have a child with disabilities who will always live at home with me?

The empty nest can be a different experience for each of us.

Some of us have adult children who have gone to college. Some of our children have gone into the military or started a career. Some of our adult children haven’t moved out or have moved back into our homes. Some of us have children who will never be independently living outside of our homes due to physical or mental disabilities. Some of us have traded caring for our children to caring for our elderly parents or others.

The traditional description of the empty nester is a parent who’s adult children have moved out, even temporarily to attend a college semester. Kids come and go out of our lives. In my situation my daughter was run over by a truck during her final semester in college, while student teaching, and needed full time care for months afterwords. She was still an adult who needed her space and our relationship was different from the parent/child relationship we had before she had gone to college. Our son went to boarding school for high school and returned home for summer and holiday breaks while still too young to be independent when he was home.

Having less responsibility for your child is the big difference in the empty nest lifestyle.

Being an empty nester is a state of mind. You have less responsibility for your adult child(ren) and more time for yourself. Many of us don’t have a traditional empty nest where all children move out. We are still empty nesters.

What you do with the extra freedom can make all the difference in how much joy you experience in your empty nest.

It’s much like getting a small raise in pay at your first job. If you put that money in a savings you’ill see the benefits from the raise. If you simply start spending a bit more every month you barley notice the difference after a while.

Taking the extra time you used to spend on your kids (driving carpool, attending school sporting events, preparing large meals, and doing large amounts of laundry) and spending that time on yourself and relationships with other people can make your life more enjoyable and fulfilling.

Getting started is tough for twenty somethings these days. Student loans, rent and expenses at a starting wage is hard to do in this economy. If you have independent adult children living with you, temporarily or for an undetermined amount of time, the responsibilities and relationship need to be different than when they were underage and dependent on you to survive. Setting rules and having boundaries are very important. All adults who are able should be bring in an income and helping with the household chores. You should dictate how much personal space and time to yourself you have in your home. Communication is the key.

Our son came home after college while he was looking for a job. He was happy to be finished with classes and to have a home cooked meal. We let him know right away he needed to pick up after himself, do his own laundry and work full time at finding a job. We told him he was welcome to stay as long as he needed to find a job and save a downpayment for an apartment, but that we would be changing the wifi password after three months. He found a job and moved out within two months. You may feel the need to help your kids with food and shelter, but you should not make them so comfortable they will never leave.

This is the time in your life to put yourself first, take care of yourself, downsize, travel or whatever you want to do.

You should be making yourself a priority as an empty nester.